The Great Burger War

I’m finally back from my sojourn to the Bay Area (OK, I’ve actually been back for more than a week), and as promised I have what I feel to be the definitive review of three of the West Coast’s most significant micro-chains: In-N-Out, Burgerville and Five Guys.

To be fair, there are only a handful of locales in which any of these three restaurants compete directly. Portland has both Five Guys and Burgerville, and there are several California, Nevada and Arizona cities that feature Five Guys and In-N-Out. Best as I can tell, Burgerville and In-N-Out are separated by several hundred miles. All three are currently expanding, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see all three of these places going head-to-head throughout Washington, Oregon and even Northern California.

In any case, I can’t think of a more apt comparison — at least on the West Coast — than these three. All of them pride themselves on made-to-order, hand-crafted, never frozen patties, selling them at reasonable prices and promising a more-than-fast-food experience. Of course, they achieve these things through different means.

The only nationwide chain of the three is Five Guys — which, according to Wikipedia, boasts more than 450 locations. If it doesn’t seem that way on the West Coast, that’s because there are only two in the Pacific Northwest and a few more in California. This is the only one of the three which offers franchises.

In-N-Out, with about 240 stores, is the next biggest. They’ve recently expanded into Utah, but as of yet, still have not crossed into Oregon or Washington. The company remains family owned.

Burgerville is easily the smallest of the bunch, claiming 39 locations, massed mostly around Portland, Ore. As such, the farthest north the chain has gone is Centralia, Wash., with its southernmost location being Albany, Ore. (This may soon change, however. According to a Tacoma News-Tribune story dated Feb. 13, 2009, Burgerville is planning to expand as far north as Seattle.) Burgerville is also family owned.

I apologize for belaboring my point, which was, of course, to determine which of these three chains offers the best burger. I will detail arguments for each of the three, but may as well tell you now that I still find In-N-Out to be superior. This will come as no shock to those who know me, as I’ve long been a fan of the California-born chain and on several occasions have found myself in the middle of lengthy debates over its merits. Ranking them, I’d put Burgerville a close second and Five Guys a distant third.

In-N-Out

Overall: There’s really something to be said for a restaurant that knows what it is. On In-N-Out menus there are essentially four items. Burgers, fries, milkshakes and sodas. The burgers are offered with one or two patties and cheese or no cheese. That’s it. The fries come in only one size. There are three flavors of shakes, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry, and there’s only one size. Drinks offer the most choices — there’s even a choice between pink and yellow lemonade — but still only come in one size.

Of course, there’s also the “secret menu.” I don’t know that it’s much of a secret anymore, after all they even reference it on their own website, but none of it appears anywhere on in-store signage. Probably the most common item is the “animal style” burger and fries. For the burger, that means adding mustard, pickles and grilled onions to a sandwich that normally has lettuce, tomatoes, fresh onions and “secret sauce.” The fries come with a heap of secret sauce, cheese and grilled onions. Other secret menu items include adding any number of patties you desire, ditching the bun and wrapping the burger in lettuce, going with a patti-less grilled cheese and having your shake Neopolitan (mixing all three flavors). You can also have hot peppers added to your burger.

What I ordered: I went with my usual, double-double animal style, regular fries and made an Arnold Palmer out of their brewed iced tea and pink lemonade. This sets me back about $5.50.

Burger: The double-double provides the perfect amount of meat, probably the rough equivalent to a 1/3-pounder. I really like their secret sauce, some variation of thousand island. The lettuce is always crisp. The tomatoes never soggy. The cheese is nothing special, good ole-fashioned ‘Merican. The real clincher is the savory/sweet combination of the pickles, mustard and grilled onions. None of the other two could touch In-N-Out on this front.

Fries: If there’s one area I’m more indifferent about In-N-Out’s product, it’s their fries. They are about as fresh as can be. They are sliced only seconds before they hit the fryer and served within minutes of coming out. But, there’s nothing real special. I like them fine, but hardly ever feel compelled to finish the heap they are served in. If you don’t eat them fresh, by the way, don’t bother. Their shelf life is so short, it’s almost not worth ordering them if you plan on eating anywhere but the dining room or parking lot.

Experience: I have no idea how they do it, but In-N-Out has to be one of the most heavily staffed fast-food chains in the world. I swear even at slow times, it seems like there are 20 employees running around, always looking busy. They wear crisp white polyester/cotton uniforms and aprons. They are always ready to help. They seem genuinely happy to be there. I suppose it helps that no one is making less than $10 an hour. They get full benefits, including vacation and 401k, and if they stick with the company long enough to become a manager, they usually make around $100,000 a year. In California, at least, these are almost unheard of qualities.

Burgerville

Overall: If In-N-Out were actually interested in changing with the times, you’d have to imagine it would look a lot like Burgerville. Whether its wind-powered restaurants and headquarters, locally sourced products or a seasonal menu, there’s a lot to admire about Burgerville’s business practices. The food ain’t bad, either.

Unlike In-N-Out, Burgerville has plenty of menu options. Beside the standard burgers, they offer bacon, black-bean veggie patties, chicken and fish. They also have several salads to choose from, sweet potato and yukon gold fries, turkey sandwiches, milkshakes and smoothies, and even offer a breakfast menu.

When I was there, Yukon waffle fries, hazelnut milkshakes, a peach chutney chicken sandwich and some kind of peach salad were the seasonal options.

I especially appreciate the use of local products, such as Tillamook cheese and Country Natural Beef. Oh, and they now serve beer and wine!

What I ordered: Pepper bacon cheeseburger, Yukon waffle fries and soda. This cost me right around $8.

Burger: If you’re going to offer bacon, you may as well do it right. I want some actual meat in there, not just a crispy slice of fat. I’m happy to report that Burgerville is serving up the legit stuff. Nice thick cuts of pepper bacon. The burgers, I’m guessing about 1/4-pound per patty, are solid. They don’t do grilled onions or special sauce, two minuses, but there’s really nothing to complain about. It tastes fresh and clean.

Fries: I wish I’d ordered the standard fries, just for comparison’s sake, but I couldn’t pass up the Yukon waffle fries. They were awesome. Less starchy than the standard russet, but still nice and crisp. Easily, the best fries of the these three places.

Experience: Again, it’s like the 21st-century version of In-N-Out. The employees are still nice and helpful — our cashier mistakenly charged us for one soda instead of two, and then just gave us the second one. The big difference is that they actually you NOT to bus your own table. The reason? They want to make sure the trash is properly sorted: recycle, compost, trash. Again, the pay is not what you’d expect at a fast-food restaurant, especially when it comes to healthcare. For $15 a month, every employee working at least 20 hours a week is eligible for no-deductible health care. For $30, they can have their kids covered too. There aren’t nearly as many employees as in an average In-N-Out, but they don’t seem overworked, either. Aside from the uniforms — which seem much more standard fast-food issue — they probably inch out a little ahead of In-N-Out here as well.

Five Guys Burgers & Fries

Overall: Without a doubt, this is the most hyped of the three restaurants. Throughout their Seattle location, at least, there are newspaper and magazine articles proclaiming the superiority of Five Guys. Supposedly, this is President Obama’s favorite burger spot.

At first glance, the menu seems pretty simple. The burgers come in two sizes and offer cheese or bacon. There are hot dogs, fries, soda and shakes on the menu, as well. Simple enough, right? Well, they throw you a bit of a curveball. It’s a nice gesture, I suppose, but I’m one of those people who just wants to order something pretty simple. I don’t want to go through a list of ingredients, picking and choosing what I think will go well together. But that’s exactly what the little amendment at the bottom of the Five Guys menu has you do.

Mayo, relish, onions, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, mustard, jalapenos, green peppers, A-1 sauce, bbq sauce, hot sauce.

There’s a lot of options in there. I get that they want their menu to look simple, but, and this is especially true if it’s your first time, it really isn’t. I know everything up there is pretty standard, but I, for one, would appreciate some suggested combinations. And A-1 sauce? Really? If I had one suggestion, I’d say let me order grilled onions or grilled mushrooms, but put out a condiment bar and let me stack my own burger.

What I ordered: Little bacon cheeseburger, cajun fries and soda. They don’t post prices on their website, but I’m pretty sure it cost about $8.

Burger: First thing you need to know about Five Guys is that the burgers come in two sizes, regular and Little. The regular, is two Little patties, which are probably about 1/4-pound each. So, a Little burger is actually a pretty standard 1/4-pounder.

The burgers come wrapped in tinfoil, which comes in a brown sack, regardless of your intentions to eat in or take away. I just found that unnecessarily wasteful. It was also a little messy, since my inclination is to avoid biting into the aluminum foil by removing it in its entirety immediately, leaving no safety net on which the juices are allowed to fall.

Even though I ordered a Little, I still found the bun to be too small. It certainly gives the impression of a larger burger, and I suppose it cuts down on calories, but I found it off-putting.

The patty itself was totally fine, no complaints. But the bacon tasted like it had been sitting out too long and was not as meaty as I’d prefer. The onions were obviously made to order, and as such, were not given nearly enough time to properly carmelize. Overall, I found the burger totally unimpressive, at least by the standards that have been set.

Fries: In a word, overseasoned. They certainly give you plenty — a 20 oz. cup with plenty left over in the bag — but even though they are very fresh, there’s way too much cajun seasoning on there. Actually, I’d say there’s way too much salt in the cajun seasoning, too. I’d go as far as to say that I wouldn’t even order the fries next time I went.

Experience: Since we’re using In-N-Out as the standard, I’d say this is probably what In-N-Out would look like if it was manned by people who weren’t really invested in the product. They put on a good show: Every time someone walks in, there’s an employee alerting the crew of how many new customers just got there, the entire operation is on full display to the customers and, judging by the ages of those behind the counter, they are attempting to staff with people that are a cut above McDonald’s.

Still, I couldn’t escape the fact that the employees just weren’t that into it. The cashier didn’t seem nearly as versed in the menu as those at the other establishments. There were fewer smiles. It felt like a franchise, a better-than-Subway franchise, but still a franchise. I seriously doubt anyone working there is planning on making a career out of Five Guys.

As for the motif, I really don’t think the bags of peanuts and the “just toss the shells on the floor” thing works in a burger place. In a dimly lit sports bar? Sure, knock yourself out. I also found the chest-beating nature of the endless promotional magazine articles to be a little much. Let the food speak for itself.

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